Age is not important unless you're a cheese 14- Helen Hayes When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself 14- Peter O'Toole A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live 14- Bob Hope. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population 14- David Letterman Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 14- John Mendosa What's another word for thesaurus? 14- Steven Wright Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers 14- Daniel J. Boorstin Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me 14- G.W. Hegel I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me 14- Hunter S. Thompson. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps 14- Emo Philips I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally 14- WC Fields Not only is life a -*BAD WORD*-, it has puppies 14- Adrienne Gusoff We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police 14- Jeff Marder If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either 14- -*BAD WORD*- Cavett I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets 14- Dave Edison When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country 14- Elaine Boosler Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid 14- Hedy Lamarr Behind every successful man is a surprised woman 14- Marion Pearson I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house 14- Gabor Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so 14- Gore Vidal I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts 14- Will Rogers Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift' ... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git' 14- Alexai Sayle The Internet is a gateway to get on the net 14- Bob Dole A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls 14- George Bush ..do your homework. You can't lead without knowing what you're talking about... 14- George Bush Competence is a narrow ideal. Competence makes the trains run on time but doesn't know where they're going 14- George Bush I have opinions of my own- strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them 14- George Bush It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another 14- George Bush This is America - a brilliant diveristy spread like stars, like a thousand points in a broad and peaceful sky 14- George Bush Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? 14- George Bush It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it 14- dan quayle I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet 14- Rodney Dangerfield. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac 14- George Carlin I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own 14- Les Dawson First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down 14- George Burns The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with 14- Marty Feldman We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture 14- Robin Williams A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no' 14- Woody Allen It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens 14- Woody Allen There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? 14- Woody Allen I failed to make the chess team because of my height 14- Woody Allen Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions 14- Woody Allen I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying 14- Woody Allen I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch 14- Woody Allen Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife 14- Groucho Marx Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! 14- Groucho Marx Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read 14- Groucho Marx Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! 14- Groucho Marx Either he's dead or my watch has stopped 14- Groucho Marx I must confess, I was born at a very early age 14- Groucho Marx You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' 14- Groucho Marx It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in 14- TOMMY COOPER I can resist everything except temptation 14- Oscar Wilde I have nothing to declare except my genuis 14- Oscar Wilde A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing 14- Emo Philips I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine 14- Emo Philips I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving 14- stephen wright The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind 14- Humprey Bogart You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on 14- Joe E Lewis Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die 14- Joe Louis He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt 14- Joseph -*BAD WORD*-er Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others 14- Groucho Marx. He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead 14- Voltaire. I can speak Esperanto like a native 14- Spike Milligan Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer 14- Rita May Brown Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country 14- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer 14- Paul Ehrlich Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers 14- Leonard Brandwein UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity 14- Dennis Ritchie The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again 14- Al Goodman. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig 14- Khaled Mardam-Bey I'm not easily impressed...o look, a blue car!!! 14- Homer J. Simpson
