DaKillaRoach Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 Any body got any good funny quotes or facts they know? Heres a few I've picked up along the way: On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily 13 People A Year Are Killed By Vending Machines Falling Over On Them The cigarette lighter was invented before the match You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. All polar bears are left handed It is illegal to hunt camels in Arizona Coca-cola was originally green. The yo-yo was originally a weapon used in the Philippine jungles. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Walt Disney was afraid of mice Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. Quote
DaKillaRoach Posted September 19, 2003 Author Report Posted September 19, 2003 heres more: Odds of being killed by falling out of bed- 1 in 2million. All elephants walk on tiptoe, because the back portion of their foot is made up of all fat and no bone Currently, the Pope is the World's Scrabble Champion in the Over-70's catagory The can opener was invented 48 years after cans were introduced In 1990, John Elfreth Watkins Jr. predicted that by 2001, the letters C, X, and Q would be dropped from the alphabet In Afghanistan it is illegal to play anything composed by Chopin on a banjo. 4-sided cheese graters are considered works of Satan, and are outlawed in Virginia, Oklahoma, and South Carolina more bullets were fired during this year's New Year's celebrations in Texas than were fired during the whole Gulf War it is illegal to mow your front lawn while you're dressed as Elvis Convicted graffiti artists on the Isle of Man are forced to have replicas of their graffiti tattooed on their chests Quote
LoVeWAR Posted September 19, 2003 Report Posted September 19, 2003 Age is not important unless you're a cheese 14- Helen HayesWhen did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself 14- Peter O'TooleA James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live 14- Bob Hope.USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population 14- David LettermanEver wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 14- John MendosaWhat's another word for thesaurus? 14- Steven WrightSome are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers 14- Daniel J. BoorstinOnly one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me 14- G.W. HegelI hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me 14- Hunter S. Thompson. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps 14- Emo PhilipsI am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally 14- WC FieldsNot only is life a -*BAD WORD*-, it has puppies 14- Adrienne GusoffWe live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police 14- Jeff MarderIf your parents never had children, chances are you won't either 14- -*BAD WORD*- CavettI'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets 14- Dave EdisonWhen women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country 14- Elaine BooslerAny girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid 14- Hedy Lamarr Behind every successful man is a surprised woman 14- Marion PearsonI am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house 14- GaborAny American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so 14- Gore VidalI don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts 14- Will RogersAmericans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift' ... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git' 14- Alexai SayleThe Internet is a gateway to get on the net 14- Bob DoleA low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls 14- George Bush..do your homework. You can't lead without knowing what you're talking about... 14- George BushCompetence is a narrow ideal. Competence makes the trains run on time but doesn't know where they're going 14- George BushI have opinions of my own- strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them 14- George BushIt's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another 14- George BushThis is America - a brilliant diveristy spread like stars, like a thousand points in a broad and peaceful sky 14- George BushRarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? 14- George BushIt isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it 14- dan quayleI told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet 14- Rodney Dangerfield.Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac 14- George CarlinI used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own 14- Les DawsonFirst you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down 14- George BurnsThe pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with 14- Marty FeldmanWe had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture 14- Robin WilliamsA fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no' 14- Woody AllenIt's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens 14- Woody AllenThere are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? 14- Woody AllenI failed to make the chess team because of my height 14- Woody AllenLove is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions 14- Woody AllenI don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying 14- Woody AllenI'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch 14- Woody AllenBehind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife 14- Groucho MarxMarry me and I'll never look at another horse! 14- Groucho MarxOutside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read 14- Groucho MarxWhy was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! 14- Groucho MarxEither he's dead or my watch has stopped 14- Groucho MarxI must confess, I was born at a very early age 14- Groucho MarxYou know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' 14- Groucho MarxIt's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in 14- TOMMY COOPERI can resist everything except temptation 14- Oscar WildeI have nothing to declare except my genuis 14- Oscar WildeA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing 14- Emo PhilipsI thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine 14- Emo PhilipsI replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving 14- stephen wrightThe problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind 14- Humprey BogartYou're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on 14- Joe E LewisEverybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die 14- Joe LouisHe had decided to live forever or die in the attempt 14- Joseph -*BAD WORD*-erThose are my principles. If you don't like them I have others 14- Groucho Marx.He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead 14- Voltaire. I can speak Esperanto like a native 14- Spike MilliganComputer dating is fine, if you're a computer 14- Rita May BrownOutside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country 14- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DCTo err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer 14- Paul EhrlichBeware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers 14- Leonard BrandweinUNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity 14- Dennis RitchieThe perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again 14- Al Goodman.Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig 14- Khaled Mardam-BeyI'm not easily impressed...o look, a blue car!!! 14- Homer J. Simpson Quote
reload Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 It's impossible to lick your elbow. Every year, approximately 100 people choke on a ballpen point. Most people fear spiders more than they fear death. There is no worth that rhymes on the word 'MONTH'. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that you can create using only the upper line of keys. You tried to like your elbow after you read it, didn't you? ADMIT IT Quote
Yupa Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 some people can lick their elbows as for typewriter...how about Qwertyuiop[]?? eh? EH??? owned Quote
KnightPhyre Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 Okay, I guess after a horrifying crash that dislocates your shoulder, breaks your arms in 4 places, I guess it might be possible to lick your elbow, Akai....but otherwise, no matter if you're double-jointed, it's NOT possible. Even Gene Simmons can't do it. First you'd have to rotate your arm about 95 degrees to bring your elbow topside from it's normal position of sideways from your body. THEN, you'd have to complete rotate your arm (which is now rigid) from the shoulder to a point about a foot and a half in front of your chest to even get CLOSE to your mouth. Even if we did it where you brought your flexed arm up (flexed meaning your hand basically sitting on your shoulder and your elbow pointing down), you'd still have to pop your shoulder out of socket and away from the shoulder about another foot to get the elbow close. So, either the people who told you they can lick their elbows are lying, or were so drunk they were licking somone ELSE's elbows. heheh.... Quote
NBVegita Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 nothing is impossible, I can bring my leg, backwards around the side of my body and get it caught on my ribcage, so that I could tie my shoe lace from there. Yep, that's what a few years of hacky-sac will do to a guy... Quote
LoVeWAR Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 this is what happens when someone eats too many grapes Quote
madhaha Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 Contortionists can lick all sorts of places... Quote
Tipme Posted September 22, 2003 Report Posted September 22, 2003 if nothing is impossible how come i cant get a girlfriend Quote
KnightPhyre Posted September 23, 2003 Report Posted September 23, 2003 if nothing is impossible how come i cant get a girlfriend Girls this century don't respond to love, Rice. You need a "Rice"burner and a lot of money and must be fluent in ebonics. After that, they dont care! :twisted: ...i am soooo gonna get shot for this one..... Quote
madhaha Posted September 24, 2003 Report Posted September 24, 2003 No you won't, they're all too busy shagging ricebowl's money. Quote
Dire Wolf Posted September 28, 2003 Report Posted September 28, 2003 "But you are a person, and I can't say I'm fond of that." - Johnny the Homicidal Maniac Quote
reload Posted September 29, 2003 Report Posted September 29, 2003 It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotsman's understanding - Sidney Smith DR. JOHNSON: Sir, it is a very vile country. MR. S: Well, sir, God made it. DR. JOHNSON: Certainly he did, but we must remember that He made it for Scotchmen. Comparisons are odious, Mr. S, but God made -*BAD WORD*-. - Dr Samuel Johnson, A journey to the "Western Islands of Scotland, 1775 Quote
reload Posted September 29, 2003 Report Posted September 29, 2003 If I owned Texas and -*BAD WORD*-, I would rent out Texas and live in -*BAD WORD*- - General PH Sherican God invented man, the devil invented the German - Polish saying Quote
Dire Wolf Posted September 30, 2003 Report Posted September 30, 2003 God invented man, the devil invented the German - Polish saying What about those Polish Germans out there? WHAT ABOUT THEM? YOU HEAR ME? I know where you live... and I'll drop Sausages on j00 arse! -DW Quote
reload Posted October 1, 2003 Report Posted October 1, 2003 God invented man, the devil invented the German - Polish saying What about those Polish Germans out there? WHAT ABOUT THEM? YOU HEAR ME? I know where you live... and I'll drop Sausages on j00 arse! I doubt you know where I live -DW Quote
Dire Wolf Posted October 1, 2003 Report Posted October 1, 2003 muahah! now I know where you are... btw.. when you say something in response... don't put it in my quote! l0lz0rz Quote
madhaha Posted October 2, 2003 Report Posted October 2, 2003 Yeah the one thats really ntfx in disguise! *looks innocently at ricebowl* Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.