To America

[Paine]

Dear Sirs,

 

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and

thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other

territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister

(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until

now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a

minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and

the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year

to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a

British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate

effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then

look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed

at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will

be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the

letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the

letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced

'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix

"ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra'

e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'

if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should

raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such

as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps'

in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad

language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop

your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to !@#$%^&*ney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have

to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as

"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with sub-*BAD WORD*-les. While we're

talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as

Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you

persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become

"shires" e.g. Tex!@#$%^&*hire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the

good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play

English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or

"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy

American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional

political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want

you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of

football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good

game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside

your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"

football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead

play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with

the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby

(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve

stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body

armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US

rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside

of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world

beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of

baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders"

which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,

collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if

they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that

there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.

The Russians have never been the bad guys. You will no longer be allowed

to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't

believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items,

you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

Day".

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You

will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same

time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit

of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though

97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)

are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on

calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are

thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to

chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be

trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all

tea made within the Commonwealth of massachusetts, this quan-*BAD WORD*-y to be

doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter

will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and

accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be

referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the

product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be

referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true

Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech

Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you

will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with

the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the

former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices

(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers

or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists

shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only

be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out

without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown

up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

 

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly

to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

[Dav]

lol

 

i have to agree with the american football comment

 

us brits rule.

[Arianax]

lol, i expect some people will get quite pissed of after reading that. But yeah, Go Queen!!

[Paine]

Err, when you avatar starts slashing, does it say "ASL" in the middle?

[Arianax]

no.... it says A-R-I

[Yupa]

That's really funny, but mostly because it's almost all bull!@#$%^&*.

 

For a while I thought maybe it was a joke written by an American actually to make fun of the British for obvious ignorances that they think are not, but now I fear it's actually real British mockery.

 

It'll take a while to get proper support, but I'll show you why most of that is totally crap coming from any British citizen.

[Dr Brain]

Lieutenant

 

not Leftenant

 

USA 2 Win

[Vile Requiem]

I'll help you akai

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of

football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good

game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside

your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"

football. You will no longer be allowed to play it' date=' and should instead

play proper football. [b']Initially, it would be best if you played with

the girls. It is a difficult game.[/b]

 

If I recall correctly, the FIFA football world rankings have the USA 10th in the world and slowly moving up to encroach on England's #7, and already ahead of Portugal and Germany. Nice for a country that doesn't play the sport, unless you want to join us at the girls pitch because you can't beat Brazil OR France

[Yupa]

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

She hands out !@#$%^&*ing honorary -*BAD WORD*-les, dumb!@#$%^&*es, she has no sovereignty. Good job on the zombification, though.

 

The Right Honourable Tony Blair

Most of you don't even !@#$%^&*ing like Tony Blair, so shove it.

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then

look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed

at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Our pronounciation is fine because we use a different spelling. In fact getting a lecture on pronounciation from you lot is !@#$%^&*ing hilarious considering the majority of spelling differences between "British English" and "American English" are due to American movements to make spelling REFLECT PRONOUNCIATION.

 

 

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

See previous retort, !@#$%^&*head.

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the

letters.

Most Americans actually do spell it "doughnut". The ones that might use "donut" are influenced through advertising ploys, which your nation also uses.

 

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced

'zed' not 'zee'

The pronounciation 'zee' was established _in_ England long before there was a United States. Please don't lecture us on dialects, you dumb!@#$%^&* "Hey, let's conquer 1/3 of an island" !@#$%^&*heads.

and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix

"ise".

Same.

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra'

e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'

if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

More of this pronounciation stuff. Sorry for being less idiotic than you.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

Certainly there is. You just referred to it, it obviously exists.

 

Furthermore, since we're mostly responsible for the internet and modern computing (and certainly Microsoft), you can kiss our royal !@#$%^&*es.

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to !@#$%^&*ney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have

to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as

"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with sub-*BAD WORD*-les. While we're

talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as

Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you

persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become

"shires" e.g. Tex!@#$%^&*hire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

It's hard to imagine someone not being able to distinguish English from Australian, so I'll just let that one slide. For the rest you can kiss my !@#$%^&*. We don't give a !@#$%^&* what your counties are called.

[Yupa]

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want

you to get confused and give up half way through.

It's been about 200 years. We won, you lost, get the !@#$%^&* over it. Enjoy your tiny-!@#$%^&* little island.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of

football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good

game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside

your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"

football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead

play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with

the girls. It is a difficult game.

Riiiight. We own you at all sports we play. Get a grip.

 

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside

of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world

beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

While the 'World Series' is an inaccurate name and I personally _do_ find the game boring most of the time, it is in fact played all over the world. Now, what the !@#$%^&* were you saying about being unaware of the rest of the world?

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean.

If I had to guess, we probably have always had more German cars than you...and what the !@#$%^&* are you doing bragging about YOUR _German_ cars? Fool.

 

petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)

gasoline and petroleum are two different things you !@#$%^&*ing idiot

[A Soldier]

7. You should declare war on Quebec

fu! we shall fight, fight till the last man

[Arianax]

See, i told you. I think most of those things were major exaggerations on the few points that some of the british find annoying.

 

out of interest which team sports do you own us at?

 

PS. leave the Queen alone, she's old.

 

oh yeah, stop going on about the whole American War of Revolution or Civil War pt. 1. We had more Americans fighting for us than British, and you, according to.. that guy that does 'War Walks' forgotten his name. <_<

[Ice-demon]

European cars

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/cajunzydeco/dusseldorf.2002.photos/citron.jpg

 

American cars

http://us1.webpublications.com.au/static/images/articles/i19/1970_36mg.jpg

 

Yea sure, all europeans don't drive those kind of cars but the point is that most of the major car companys are in the US. Not to mention we invented them (I think) same with the radio,tv,COMPUTER,planes and yea..

 

Edit: I want a hummer

[Arianax]

The British invented Cars, TV, Radio and prehaps computers, probabally planes too. I think the major American invention was condensed milk...seriously.

[MasterDrake]

An american did indeed invent the automobile but you would have to give credit to thos gay horse less carriage devices the british had. Any ways your totally wrong go burn in -*BAD WORD*- o and I say america and canada declare war on your as . O an American Football is the most watched program around the world.

[MasterDrake]

The British invented Cars, TV, Radio and prehaps computers, probabally planes too. I think the major American invention was condensed milk...seriously.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No, Henry Ford invented the first automobile the model-T. Radio, -*BAD WORD*- if I know that one, TV, no the germans invented the television during the times of the nazi reign over the country, and the computer or PC was first invented in the garage of a american mans home. And the first person to invent the plane was the Wright brothers that is a working aircraft.

[Arianax]

Nope, the Scottish invented the TV, we definately have radio. I'll let the Car one go then. oh yeah, and the plane. but fine.

[»Ducky]

I was under the impression the first gas powered automobile created (not manufactured) was out of germany.

[A Soldier]

i think we can all agree on the fact that al gore invented the internet

[Paine]

Note to self, americans can't take a joke (or 15) about their country.

[Yupa]

you guys are so !@#$%^&*ing re-*BAD WORD*-ed omfg it's hilarious

[Guest Recombo]

I guess after 228 years, the British need someway to rebuild their esteem. Sorry that others didn't take it as a joke Paine. Great joke tho. Go GWB!

 

Edit: Akai first tears apart the joke then adds his negative spin, then bashes you all for not getting it. lol nerd.

[MonteZuma]

European cars

http://members.ozemail.com.au/~montie/maybach.jpg

 

American cars

http://members.ozemail.com.au/~montie/taurus.jpg

 

Not to mention we invented them [cars](I think)

Germany (Daimler and Benz).

 

same with the radio

Italy (Marconi)

 

tv

Scotland (Baird)

 

COMPUTER

It evolved over time, starting with the Chinese a few thousand years ago, England (Babbage), Germany (Zuse), Hungary/Germany/USA (von Neumann), etc, etc....

 

planes

Bingo! (Wright bros)

 

US people will never understand British humour. Nice Paine.

[talion]

made me laugh... and any americans who post in here saying !@#$%^&* you we don't care are funny funny funny

[Yupa]

Like I said at first I thought it was a joke about how stupid British people are, but it just wasn't funny.