»Xog Posted August 17, 2010 Report Posted August 17, 2010 (edited) A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. B: Yes. A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales , but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company! +++++++++++ What do you call blind lesbians in a fish market? Confused! ++++++++++ A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. http://www.severinbrowne.com/TheParrotMoses.jpg "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" The bird responded, "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." http://www.severinbrowne.com/TheRottweilerJesus.jpg Edited August 17, 2010 by Xog Quote
Samapico Posted August 18, 2010 Report Posted August 18, 2010 The last one is funny as hell Hell isn't funny. The smell of burnt corpses all over the place... The agonizing screams... It's kind of like my basement, actually. Quote
»Maverick Posted August 24, 2010 Report Posted August 24, 2010 (edited) Here is a classic one about engineers and managers (note; can be applied to any kind of job) : A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude." You must be an engineer!" says the balloonist. "I am," replied the man."How did you know?" Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost." The man below says, "You must be a manager!" I am replies the balloonist, but how did you know?" "Well," says the engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow, my fault." Edited August 24, 2010 by Maverick Quote
»Xog Posted August 25, 2010 Author Report Posted August 25, 2010 (edited) Bob came home late and drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob.." Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but bugged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Bob. "Well, just relax, slowly start clucking and let it happen," says the rooster. It's no big deal." Bob did start cluckin, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon clucked away and laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was clucking and about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell... "BOB, wake up you SON OF A BITCH, you've just shit the bed!" Edited August 25, 2010 by Xog Quote
PoLiX Posted August 26, 2010 Report Posted August 26, 2010 http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spinal_tap_amps.png Quote
»SD>Big Posted August 26, 2010 Report Posted August 26, 2010 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__Co6GAaXFw Quote
»gallitin Posted August 26, 2010 Report Posted August 26, 2010 Didn't think that was possible... Quote
»SD>Big Posted August 26, 2010 Report Posted August 26, 2010 he's like a real life Domo-Kun lol Quote
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