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[»jabjabjab]

Holy crap that's a lot of info. I read it though, and I must say you are a good script writer, Just need to cut down on the cussing. The story line seems good, but remember this will be seen by 99% people who don't know what subspace is or how it works, so if a item or tool is referenced from the game, make sure to hint or show enough detail to make sure the viewer understands it or how it will be used. Graphics can show how or what it does / works.

 

 

The story line is cool, and the script is as well, but do remember I want it to be a comedy based off of galactic warfare, so if you can introduce the comedy theme as a dominance on the script, I will say your scripts are perfect for the project. I appreciate Root's contributing work towards the project, but seems like we have a pro storyline-writer on our hands now. We will see what this guy can do.

 

 

Overall, revise your script to preform the edits i have posted here, and I will use it for the pilot episode.

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe we can use you for the concept, and get someone whose good at improv / comedy.

Edited September 19, 2009 by jabjabjab

[Aileron]

Yeah, I did think about the cussing a while after I posted it. Do you want *NO* cussing, or a small enough amount of cussing that the audio guy can bleep it out?

 

I thought I was doing comedy! I guess it needs to be funnier.

[»jabjabjab]

I mean you can use PG cussing. I mean it's okay to have a few, but don't go overboard.

 

 

Don't bash yourself your doing fine, especially for a first try to see what I like. Im supprised anyone did as much as you did just for one post. Glad to see someone caring

[whalz]

aileron is just pro, and will always show everyone up, dont F around...

 

only thing he is inferior on is ssrpg..

 

The laidies always say i have a perfect radio voice, but i dont have a mic, so i cant confirum that...

[PoLiX]

The laidies always say i have a perfect radio voice, but i dont have a mic, so i cant confirum that...

So many comments, so little time.

 

 

Aileron has the right idea though I think. It should be based around gameplay somewhat more though I think. And yeah, no cursing. Half the reason Red vs Blue is as popular as it is, is cause 13yr old halo freaks can sit and watch it without mom and dad getting all pissed.

[»jabjabjab]

PoLiX hit it right on the nail, And used the right reference.

 

 

 

someone said "think of it like SpaceBalls."

[Aileron]

The Revised Script:

Mac, Vinny, and Potterson are flying their ships on patrol in the middle of space.

 

Mac: Outremer 3B, this is Mac, our patrol has reached checkpoint 3, over.

 

Boss: Roger Mac, this is Outremer 3B confirming checkpoint 3, out.

 

Potterson: So, this is the border between the United Human Forces and the Turvas Zone. I must confess for a place with so much rising tensions, it seems pretty boring out here.

 

Vinny: Newbie, this is Spartan Warrior. Keep your guard up here. You let it down for a moment, and they could ambush us. For all we know, they could be prepping to send an entire Squadron over the border at us as we speak, over.

 

Mac: Vinny, shut up. Contrary to what you see on the news, the Turvas aren’t prepping to do much of anything. They aren’t going to ambush. They aren’t going to attack. They just act like retards and that freaks the higher ups out. That’s it.

 

Vinny: Mac, this is Spartan Warrior. Weren’t they just in violation of the border treaty last week? Over.

 

Mac: They were grabbing a power ball that they were goofing off with which they dropped and had drifted over on our side! The minute they got the thing they were gone.

 

Vinny: Mac, this is Spartan Warrior. Yeah, but they didn’t call over and request authorization from us to cross the border, over.

 

Mac: Yeah, so who cares?

 

Vinny: Mac, this is Spartan Warrior. Hey, regardless of the reason, they are in violation of the border treaty. I say, we should send the entire fleet over there and show them who’s boss, over.

 

Potterson: Vinny, that seems a little overboard…

 

Vinny: NEWBIE, THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO TALK TO A SUPERIOR OVER THE SHORTRANGE. YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS SPARTAN WARRIOR!!! OVER.

 

Mac: Vinny, shut up you have about 2 months seniority over him.

 

Vinny: Mac, this is Spartan Warrior. I still outrank him. I'm a Spaceman First Class, remember? Over.

 

Mac: And as someone who outranks you, I say the newbie can call you anything he wants, because our patrol is embarrassing enough without more than one of us saying that retarded ‘spartan warrior’ stuff all the time.

 

Vinny: MAC, THIS IS SPARTAN WARRIOR, I AM READING TWO POSSIBLE ENEMY CONTACTS IN OUR SECTOR AT ONE O’ CLOCK, 30 CLICKS AWAY, OVER.

 

Mac: Vinny, what are you panicking about this time? Oh wait, I read them. Okay everyone, form up and try not to do anything that will start a war, okay? Let’s see what those goofballs are up to this time.

 

(The group approach two terriers flying in a circle in the middle of nowhere)

 

Potterson: I looks to me like they are Turvas ships, and they are …. flying in a circle?

(to be continued)

 

I do have an idea where Episodes 2 and 3 are going to go, and can produce them on demand.

 

A few notes:

 

-Part time voices: We'll probably need to have someone doing voices for the Turvas, a computer/translator, and possibly a newscaster (so I can incorporate the world into the episodes without making the audience read the 'introduction'). These roles won't happen every episode, so they will probably involve one of the full-time people changing the inflection in their voice. The Turvas are going to speak alien, ie gibberish. If they decide to turn their translators on (they'll leave them off half the time), then the computer will talk simultaneously in English as the Turvas talk in gibberish. (Kind of like what you hear when watching the UN on CSPAN.)

 

-I'm going to try to incorporate two types of radios. One will be a 'long range' radio to talk to distant stations, another will be a 'short range' radio used to talk between ships in the same formation. You'll notice how Mac used proper radio etiquette when talking to the station, but switched to normal conversation for the short range. The short range is going to be cleaner, so the audio guy won't have to add any 'static'. He will only have to add static for 'longrange' radio. Hopefully this should decrease his workload. (Sidenote: Vinny won't ever be on the longrange...reason why will be explained in episode 2. This means the actor's voice for this character won't need static added.)

 

-There are some problems with Chief. First off, the nickname doesn't work for sergeants. I'm thinking 'Boss' would be more appropriate. Secondly, there's no way in any military they would have a Master Sergeant run a 4 man OP, even if its in the middle of nowhere. He will probably end up being staff sergeant, but his rank will ultimately depend on the age of the actor who fills in the slot.

 

-You might have noticed that for the first episode, all the animation guy has to do is three ships flying in space and two ships flying in a circle. I'm planning on keeping animation simple for that guy too, so don't expect major gunfights for a while and even then not too often.

 

-Apparently, Mac's catchphrase is going to be 'Vinny, shut up'. I didn't even realize how often he used the line until editing. Applicants for that role should just use that line.

 

-I wasn't 'inferior' at SSRPG. SSRPG was built off of a customizable 'Army Core' system built by someone else. That person put in a few features, we tried it, and then found that the customizable options were not customizable enough for admins to fix it for the players. The Army Core devs promised to improve the system, but didn't. So, us admins were left trying to jury-rig settings out of limited options. Short version: the devs failed, but I was left holding the bag.

 

-Whal, if your voice is 'good with the ladies', I'd suggest Vinny for you. If and when women actually show up at Outremer 3B (ie when we get a female who's willing to do voices for us), he's going to be the most successful with them. Mac actually is going to be the worst with the ladies out of all of them.

 

-Also, none of this is final. I can certainly rewrite the script based off of who we have and what our capabilities are. For example, if for some reason we get a female voice actress but only three males, we can replace one of the characters with a female one. If you want to do a role here but don't like the name, or want the character to go in a slightly different direction, by all means post your idea.

 

-'Vorg' is probably not going into the final product. 'Vorg' is too close to 'Borg' and 'Zerg' to be original enough.

Edited September 20, 2009 by Aileron

[Gannon8]

I call 3D animation, unless Diwa, Gannon, or any other wish to participate in the animation or artistic scenery of this project. I will automatically give them the credit due for the work they have done on the models.

Yaaaay my stuff is gonna be on youtube

 

I can make some scenery stuff if you need it. I need to find a good 3D animator before I can do any animating. That or put everything in gmod

[»jabjabjab]

Well you got this stuff down. Life would be perfect with storyboard sketches, but that's too much to ask for a project like this.

 

 

I do need someone to do sound filtering etc. etc. with sounds.

 

 

Do remind you that the ships are still farm from being completed (3D) but ill look into finding the originals once more.

 

 

Oh and try Commander, sounds spacey.

 

 

Gannon, do what you want. Right now Im using blender, but maybe one day i can save up to get a good program, (i want to get ZBrush right now) but zbrush is just sculpting. Maybe if you want to add custom ship designs, you could try to use ZBrush, it's cool.

 

 

you know tbh if we can put enough work into this project, it could be a potential comedy on Sci-Fi or something of that nature, but then money would be involved and I'd have to pay everyone... good thing I have lists of people for each episode

 

 

Honestly, if everyone can cover the 3D stuff, I'm cool to just sit and manage this, but I always love helping with things so Im not completly useless

Edited September 20, 2009 by jabjabjab

[»jabjabjab]

So Im guessing nobody wishes to do voice acting? that's a problem.

[General Shadow]

Ill do a voice, just seemed that this post had died.

[rootbear75]

I already told you i wanted to do voice acting.

If you don't want to use my voice, then fine. your loss