Aileron Posted September 6, 2007 Report Posted September 6, 2007 International weapons inspectors continued to ask entrance into Ailestan today. This comes after they demanded entrance into the country last Monday for supposed WMD deployment. The inspectors seem to be under the clearly false belief that Ailestan is hiding WMDs. Our dear leader Aileron responded to the statement Monday, with this audio only tape: "I don't know why the international community continues to - ~ring~ ~ring~ um, hold on a minute. !@#$%^&*o? Oh, hi Khalid. Yes, I'm stalling them now. Hurry up and get those trucks moving! Don't worry about that now. I'll deal with that later, I have to talk to the international community right now. Okay, bye. ~clap~ Well, as I was saying, I don't know why the international community continues to accuse us of hiding WMDs That at!@#$%^&*ude is racist and culturally intolerant. It is based upon this false belief that Ailestan is not a democracy but a theocratic dictatorship, and that theocratic dictatorships like mine are prone to try to take over the world. This is all purely capitalist propaganda." Further development occurred today when international weapons inspectors were finally let in to the country. They were allowed to search one of our army bases, and were required to be blindfolded on the way in and out of the facility. The inspectors did not find any weapons on the base, but continually wanted to follow some supposed tire tracks leading out of the facility. Ailestani officials denied them this stating: "We don't want these people to spy on our whole country. The international community needs to recogize our citizens right to privacy." Yesterday, the senate voted 99-1 to install security cameras in private bathrooms to make sure our citizens are not using our national headgear to dry themselves after taking a shower. Senator Achmed Babaganush was the only one who voted against the bill. A diplomatic envoy came back from the realm of AstroProdigy today. The envoy was sent to appeal for funds to the "Feed the Starving Orphans" campaign. AstroProdigy generously donated 70mil foloose to the cause. The playgrounds to the state madressas around the country have new toys. 3,000 large model rocketships have been set up in madressas around the country. These rocketships are there to bolster children's interest in rocket powered craft. Parents and teachers are advised however to not let the children play on or around the rocketships, and under no cir!@#$%^&*stances should they press the large red buttons on the control panels which arrived with the rocketships. Finally, there is some news regarding Ailestan's growing crime problem. On his way home from congress, Senator Achmed Babaganush was ambushed by a street gang, which after an altercation stole his car, his money, and his shoes. This amounts to the third gang attack in only 19 years. Witnesses describe the gang as driving a black van, and were dressed head to toe in black army fatigues. The Senator walked home from the scene, but was fined 20,000 foloose for walking public streets barefoot. When asked to comment, the Police chief said "Even a Senator is not above the law."
JDS Posted September 7, 2007 Report Posted September 7, 2007 Ive just set up a decree in my nation which reads 'withdrawal from combat WILL result in a public exacution'
Aileron Posted September 8, 2007 Author Report Posted September 8, 2007 An Elementary School in Northern Ailestan exploded in a nuclear blast today. Though there are no witnesses, it is believed to be the result of one of the students failing to stay away from the model rocketships. Fortunately, nobody important was killed. This event is clearly the direct result of rasta420, and indirectly by others in the Penis clan. Without their insidious influence, events like these will not happen. The government of Ailestan vowed again today to put these people in their place for the children's sake.
jacob hunter! Posted September 8, 2007 Report Posted September 8, 2007 attraction's forces have completed the nearly impenatrable defence system code named "Dolly" It should protect the nation with relative ez. Thus gaining more gold and not letting power hungery nations take its money. #2 in defence $$$$
Aileron Posted September 10, 2007 Author Report Posted September 10, 2007 The day of our victory is at hand! This message is for the infidels who follow Sound, now suffering staggering losses in a quagmire at Mt. Noob. Day by day political opposition to Sound's continuing losses at the hands of Dav will tear the nation apart. Our nation of Ailestan mounted devastating attacks against Sound and Falcoknight today. However, in our generousity, Ailestan offers peace terms to clan Penis. Bow down and worship the Gods, as your friend rasta has, and we will rule over you with kindness.
The Real Picard Posted September 10, 2007 Report Posted September 10, 2007 (edited) LATE BREAKING NEWS ITEM! PENIS CLAN UPDATE! A sketchy video was released today by "Osama Bin Laden", wearing a pair of bermuda shorts and a caribbean shirt it was reported that he made several comments about a supposed late night party where he and Penis Prime Minister Sound took turns having their way with four modest camels, and then allowing the camels to return the gestures with them. The scenes were much to graphic to be shown, however clips are now being reported to be springing up all over YouTube and eBaums World. Indeed the pasty substance shown on their faces is believed to be produced by the male camels reproductive systems. While Osama Bin Laden praised Allah repeatedly, for a night of pleasure stating "this was more fun than a night with 40 virgins", Sound had no comment but was seen eyeing one of the four camels with a chesire cat like grin. It was further noted that Penis Prime Minister Sound refused to let any female camels attend the party, bringing more attention to a homosexual clan nature that enjoys male camels, or at least, a large part of the male camel. THIS POST EDITED BY REQUEST OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT! Edited September 10, 2007 by The Real Picard
Aileron Posted September 10, 2007 Author Report Posted September 10, 2007 ....We're clanmates. The idea is to insult the OTHER clan. You're supposed to crack jokes about Penis' members who express an "alternative lifestyle". (Hence why they got so upset when a woman joined their chat. Granted, big mole, but still...)
The Real Picard Posted September 10, 2007 Report Posted September 10, 2007 (edited) CORRECTED BY THE ORDER OF THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. Edited September 10, 2007 by The Real Picard
Sound Posted September 10, 2007 Report Posted September 10, 2007 (edited) You attack while my soldiers are attending school! YOU WILL SUFFER. Edited September 10, 2007 by Sound
ra$ta420 Posted September 11, 2007 Report Posted September 11, 2007 Bow down and worship the Gods, as your friend rasta has, and we will rule over you with kindness. yo, y lie?
JDS Posted September 11, 2007 Report Posted September 11, 2007 Due to decreased productivity, income for the nation droped 30%! This is good news seeing as no one will bother to attack me if i have no $. however recent late night parties celebrating our position as leader of the world has caused foul disease and just an overal bad smell in the fine lands of jds. Our scientists have decided to created a air-freshener/level 2 bomb as so next attack on us will leave the nation smelling pine-fresh instead of stinky rotting flesh and human excruments. ( as well next attack of ours on a enemy will leave there territory pine-fresh for our next visit)
Sound Posted September 11, 2007 Report Posted September 11, 2007 My soldiers have been complaining about their camps smelling like pine... They miss the smell of steel and gun powder. My soldiers ironically are also extremely homophobic. Quit attacking me, JDS! Penis on penis action is shunned.
Dav Posted September 11, 2007 Report Posted September 11, 2007 Over the past few days the Great God Dav has had a burning fury towards the uncivilised members of the army led by sound. The Blasphemer sound attempted to rise up against the God Dav and ran with money from his good and pure followers. This made Dav angry and so his loyal followers went to bring sound to his knees. Now with the money recovered and sounds army too weak to breach the once again impenetrable fortress of Davantis the Great God Dav can once again be at peace. He rewarded his followers with a good harvest, fertility and promises of a glorious afterlife.
Aileron Posted September 13, 2007 Author Report Posted September 13, 2007 Top news today is a political scandal. A nameless accountant had been mismanaging state finances. Certain internationally based funds which were intended to go to Ailestan's covert training facilities, known internationally as the "Feed the Starving Orphans" fund, were incorrectly diverted to soup kitchens which service parentless children. This was found during a routine budget review. The accountant was within an hour arrested, tried, convicted of treason, and sent on a sabotage mission. After freeing up the funding, Ailestan quickly improved the training standards for our intelligence and policing services. Almost immeadiately, Ailestani police used their new training to uncover a bacon smuggling ring believed to be run by Falcoknight himself. That his agents had operated for such a long period of time in Ailestan undetected disturbed many government officials. However, action was swift. Some quick raids in Falcoknight's territory shut down the smuggling ring, and improvements in our police forces will prevent infidels from infiltrating our holy land for a long time.
rootbear75 Posted September 13, 2007 Report Posted September 13, 2007 And the citizens of Rootania continue with the undercover bacon smuggling into AilestanOur citizens do it so well, that they managed to frame other countries.
Aileron Posted September 14, 2007 Author Report Posted September 14, 2007 Would you consider coming back to the SS RPG for real? There's a new ship tomorrow, and several new clans that could use your help.
Falcoknight Posted September 14, 2007 Report Posted September 14, 2007 Falconia continues to hoard it's money by trusting it to the race of magical midgets that live under ground. For only 10% of the total amount, they have agreed to keep Falconia's money safe from all foreign invaders. It is rumored that this hoarding of funds is in preparation for the Falconian government to start an even more massive bacon-smuggling training program for their many professional bacon smugglers. The Falconian government has refused to comment on these accusations.
ra$ta420 Posted September 23, 2007 Report Posted September 23, 2007 lucky Aileron you banked like 5mins b4 i was going to attack!
Aileron Posted September 29, 2007 Author Report Posted September 29, 2007 In a field north of JDS's territory....Aileron rallies his troops... Peon #1: What the heck are we doing out here standing in the middle of a field?Peon #2: And why are we wearing these flanel skirts?Aileron: They are ~kilts~ you floghead! They are traditional Scottish attire!Peon #2: But why are we Scottish today? Aren't we normally Persian?Aileron: Its a new theme. The latest demographic polls say that this would help us reach our target market more effectively if....Peon #1: Okay, we get it! We're Scottish. But what are we doing out here standing in the middle of a field?Aileron: Because, today we are going invade JDS!Peon #2: Ha!Peon #1: You're crazy! We'd need Chuck Norris or Mel Gibson to do that!Aileron: Aye, and if Mel Gibson were here, he'd destroy JDS' army with fire from his eyes and lightning from his !@#$%^&*. I am the closest to Mel Gibson we're going to get, and I see a whole army of my countrymen !@#$%^&*embled to fight tyranny today!Peon #1: No! You can't fight that! We will transer to be defensive specialists, and we will live.Aileron: Aye, fight and you may die. Transfer to be defensive specialists, and you'll live...atleast for a while. And when you're dying on defense, several hours from now, would you not be willing to trade all the minutes from now until then, for once chance, just one chance, at all the points that are in JDS' treasury! ~crickets chirp~ Aileron: Alright, I'll admit that wasn't very motivational. Let's try this again: For one chance to tell JDS that he may take out points, and he may take our tallies, but he will never take OUR FREEDOM!!!! ~crickets still chirping~ Aileron: What's wrong with you peons? Look, its not impossible! I've come up with a great plan! Last night, I spread oil all over the field. All we have to do is wait for them to charge at us, and then our archers will use some flaming arrows to set the whole field on fire right out from underneath them! It can't possibly fail. This is such an origional plan that they've never seen it in a movie before, and will never suspect it! Now, all we need to do is wait for them to charge at us.... ~several hours later~ Aileron: Come on! Why aren't they charging at us! I know...we'll taunt them! ~Aileron lifts up the back of his kilt and moons JDS' army~ Peon #1: Ugh!!Peon #2: Hey, we didn't need to see that!Peon #3: Um...are we supposed to do that too, because I, um, have underwear on underneath my kilt.Peon #1: You're ~supposed~ to have underwear on. Our dear leader didn't get the memo... ~One of JDS's archers fires an arrow. It sails through the air and lands precisely on Aileron's right cheek. Aileron runs around in circles screaming before pulling it out~ Peon #1: Uh, sir...I don't think this Scottish theme is working.Peon #2: Yeah, it really isn't that funny.Peon #3: I'm afraid Mel Gibson is going to show up and kick all of our !@#$%^&*es for mocking Braveheart.Aileron: Yeah, okay, I think we'll stick to being Persians after this. How about this for motivation then...How about we KICK THEIR !@#$%^&*ES SO WE DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THESE !@#$%^&* SKIRTS AGAIN!!!Ail's Army: RRRAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!! ~Aileron grabs a sword and lobs it through the air~ Peon #2: OW! That landed on my foot! What the !@#$%^&* are you doing?!?Aileron: Nevermind that....everyone.....CHAAAAAAAAARRGE!!!Ail's Army: RRRAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!! On the twenty-ninth day of September, in the year of our Lord two-thousand and seven, the Ailestani army charged the field at JDS. They fought like people trying to prove that they wen't Scottsmen, and they won their freedom.
ra$ta420 Posted September 30, 2007 Report Posted September 30, 2007 stop wasting time writing this and make better Daily Comments !
Falcoknight Posted September 30, 2007 Report Posted September 30, 2007 "They fought like people trying to prove that they weren't Scottsmen, and they won their freedom." Best line in this thread.
Aileron Posted October 7, 2007 Author Report Posted October 7, 2007 Earlier today, Ailestani intelligence has conducted a feat which will be remembered throughout the ages. It was a plot so daring, so fiendish, that it can only be called: The Grand Panty Raid!!!! Ailestani infiltrators have been inside the encampments of our enemies for so long, that today in a single operation they have managed to steal each and every article of underwear, including those being worn, of all peons and leaders in the service of the 1337 soldiers, and furthermore disabled the equipment of all their textile factories so they can't make more. The result was a pile of underwear 20 stories high and weighing 100 tons. There are no definative plans as to what to do with the pile, though the leading suggestion is to recycle the elastic waistbands into a giant slingshot capable of launching projectiles deep into enemy territory, and the white cotton into white flags which can be sold back to our enemies as they will needing them next week. Special articles, such as a maroon thong formally owned by none other than JDS himself will be auctioned off and the proceeds donated to the "Feed the Starving Orphans" fund. Aileron himself had this to say: "This event is intended as a message to the infidels of the 1337 soldiers. We have infiltrated your ranks, and know every move you make. When buy something in the store, one of our agents will know. When you order something at a restaraunt, one of our agents will have access to your food. When you sneeze in public, one of our agents will be there to say geezuntight. When you take a shower, one of our agents will be photographing you on hidden camera. Every move you make, 24 hours a day, is currently being obserbed by us." In similar news today, Khalid ibn Dajage today recieved the "Pendant of Creative Thinking" medal for services in Ailestani intelligence. His !@#$%^&*ignment was to place a hidden camera in rasta420's bathroom, but instead the camera was placed in the shower of his hot 20-something year old sister. Currently our intelligence community is scouring the footage for usefull information, and though the details are classified as top secret, given the amount of time and resources devoted to analyzing these films, the results should be usefull indeed.
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