Come get your ass kicked by Chuck Norris

[Aileron]

Setting:

 

We are all bad guys in some dirty bar in Texas when Chuck Norris (an NPC) walks in and starts kicking our !@#$%^&*es.

 

Rules:

 

1) Don't roleplay the actions of someone else.

2) You are to attack Chuck Norris and only Chuck Norris

3) No matter what you do, Chuck Norris must kick your !@#$%^&* by the end of the post.

4) Chuck Norris is indestructible, cannot die, and cannot be made to do something humiliating.

Edited rule 5) PG 13 rated content only. Yes, occ!@#$%^&*ionally Chuck Norris has been in R movies, but not often.

 

Failiure to comply with rules will result in your post being edited, and Chuck Norris kicking your !@#$%^&* anyway.

 

 

 

First and Example post:

 

(Chuck Norris walks into bar)

 

"You'll never take me alive!!!!"

 

*grabs 2 x 4*

*attempts to smack Chuck Norris with 2 x 4*

(Chuck Norris breaks 2 x 4 with cool karate chop, then he yanks the wood out of my hands, cramming splinters into my hands.)

*screams in agony as splinters are jammed into my hands*

(He then grabs me by the arm and throws me out the bay window)

[X`terrania]

[Trip']

*Attempts the Waldo manuever, and hides behind back table.

-Chuck Norris hears my heart beating and walks to table, the table moves out of the way and exposes me.

*"Ah crap."

-Chuck Norris then picks me up by pinky and blows me out the window, jumps out of window and further kicks my !@#$%^&* with garbage dumpsters and a nearby Jeep Wrangler.

-He then goes back into bar and says, "Who's next."

[Rudemeister]

-I wield an automatic weapon in an attempt to p!@#$%^&* myself off as an unjustifiably angry super villain with a penchance toward solving problems with violence.

 

"End of the line, Chuck. You didn't know until now but your coming here was all a part of my extraordinarily complex plot to kill you with bullets from this gun."

 

- Chuck is a man of few words. He tells me I'm under arrest.

 

- I shoot blindly at Chuck. Being a villain, I can't aim for !@#$%^&* and I empty the magazine of my machine-pistol in every inanimate object in the room bar Chuck himself, who remains standing in the exact same position as before.

 

- I swear as much as my PG rating will allow.

 

- My bar brawling instincts kick in. I grab a chair and smash it over Chuck's head. He shakes it off.

 

- I wildly throw my fists at Chuck in a desperate attempt to inflict damage to him.

 

- I begin sobbing profusely.

 

- Chuck shows me precisely what I can do with my bar brawling instincts as he delivers repeated cross hooks and spin kicks to my head, sending me flying across the room. My face is a bloody mess having been smashed to pieces. My plastic surgeon will make a small fortune tomorrow.

 

- I swear to exact revenge before the darkness overcomes me and I p!@#$%^&* out from the loss of blood.

[Aileron]

*gets off ground*

*finds a knife*

*grabs an attractive woman off the street and holds her hostage*

 

"Alright, Mr. Norris. Stop right now, or she dies!!"

 

"Don't do it, Ailer!"

 

(Chuck Norris hesitates for a few seconds, but notices a broken piece of gl!@#$%^&* on the ground)

(Norris pounds a floorboard with his foot, sending the gl!@#$%^&* into the air)

(He then does a spin kick and kicks the gl!@#$%^&* 50 feet directly into my forehead, where it imbeds itself and knocks me unconcious.)

 

[The attractive woman gives Chuck a quick kiss, and then runs to safety]

[SeVeR]

*tries to HAX Chuck Norris' computer*

*Chuck realises before i get his bank-account information and his multi-million dollar fortune is saved in the nick of time*

*Chuck then karate chops his computer and builds a Haxor proof computer out of wood, sweat and nails*

*Chuck gets in his big American car and accesses a satellite by Haxoring his GPS system and uses a special government Haxor code to locate my Haxor signal.

*inevitably Chuck turns up at my house armed only with a 3-inch blade from a pen-knife and a pair of nunchakus.

*against these odds i make a dash for the roof because being a villain i'm too stupid to run out the back-door*

*Chuck scales the drain-pipe and flies through the window spraying gl!@#$%^&* onto the floor*

*in true manic villain style i use the biggest mini gun i can find and fire aimlessly at the invincible Chuck Norris whilst snorting cocaine in a true American style anti-drug message*

*Chuck throws his three-inch blade so hard that it actually clears a path through the bullets sending sparks in every direction whilst the camera does a neat slow-mo of a spinning knife*

*the knife nestles in my forehead and i collapse*

*Chuck hears the police coming so rather than dealing with them he jumps out of the window and using his nunchakus slides down a power cable that just happens to be carrying no current, has the perfect angle and is long enough to take him across to the next street..... and off into the night!*

[X`terrania]

-X`terrania begins the Al-Terrania terrorist group, whose intentions are to destroy Norris and America-

-Al-Terrania begins its construction of several nuclear silos, with the capability to launch undetected nukes-

-Construction then finished and the Al-Terranians begin their launching plans with a timer of 20 seconds-

-At 15 seconds, a thunder cloud roars above and Chuck Norris jumps out of nowhere!-

-Al-Terranians are randomly shooting AK-47's everywhere, hoping to hit Norris-

-Bam! Karate Chop! Roundhouse Kick! All the Al-Terranians go down!-

-In one split second, Norris defeats the forces of evil, and enjoys a delicious supper of nuclear missiles.-

[Trip']

-He then jumps on top of Mt. Everest to see if there are any other evil doers in the world that are raping women.

-He sees Southeast Asia.....

-He then anialates all evil doers there while a film crew is watchin, and that film crew proceeds to make tons of Chuck Norris movies.

[Guest Guest]

*Kicks Chuck norris in the nutsz*

 

GG

[SeVeR]

But Chuck has balls of steel and you broke your foot

 

*Chuck roundhouse kicks the guest through a strategically placed window into the path of a truck*

[Greased_Lightning]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he has never cried.

 

Chuck Norris can give women orgasms just by pointing at them and saying "BooYah".

 

Chuck Norris has once missed one question on Jeopardy. Jesus has missed 3.

 

Chuck Norris smoked 10 cartons of cigarettes every day for six months and got 16 types of cancer. He cured himself by flexing for 30 seconds. Beat that Lance Armstrong.

 

Chuck Norris once revived a stillborn baby lamb by giving it a vigorous beard rub. A crowd gathered round. Moments later, Chuck roundhouse kicked the lamb, breaking its neck, to demonstrate that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !@#$%^&* with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

 

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

 

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck.

 

"You got a pen?" - Chuck

"Uhm, no." - Greased

"Next time bring a pen - Chuck Norris">

This do!@#$%^&*ent is better known as The Cons!@#$%^&*ution.

[SeVeR]

i laughed so hard i almost broke my face.

 

 

....if it hadn't already been broken by Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking me out of the path of a crying baby

[Guest CHUCK_NORRIS]

I'LL LITERALLY SNAP YOU RIGHT IN HALF! YOU COMIN' NEAR ME I'LL BREAK YA INTO FOURTEEN HUNDRED CHECKER PIECES! I'M SO BAD!@#$%^&* I COULD END YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY'S PAST AND PRESENT BY SIMPLY FLEXING MY INDEX FINGER! UR NOTHING! NOT EVEN WORTH MY TIME! ROUNDHOUSE KICKS ALL AROUND!

 

The real Chuck Norris walks back into the bar, and sees a strange dopplegangor doing evil evil things like shout and type in all caps. With one deft chin hit, he remove's the dopplegangor's ability to speak, and then breaks his caps lock and shift buttons.

 

(*edited - Call yourself whatever you want, but you still have to follow the rules like everyone else...and plz don't type in all caps again.)

[Aileron]

*gets together a lot of money*

*hires the one man alive who can survive a fight with Chuck Norris.....Jackie Chan*

 

Jackie Chan leads with a flying kick which is blocked.

Chuck Norris parries with a left hook, which is dodged.

 

Jackie Chan and Chuck Norris fight an epic battle for 5 hours, until both are somewhat exhausted. Every piece of furniture in the bar is broken, and all that 1337ness concentrated in one place raised the temperature of the room 5 degrees. Chuck talks to Jackie: "Jackie, why are you fighting for Ailer? He's a druglord, terrorist, bankrobber, and generally a bad guy."

 

Jackie turns to Ailer. "Are you bad guy?"

 

I hesitate.

 

"Are you bad guy?!?"

 

*runs*

 

Jackie Chan jumps in front of me and with a roundhouse kick sends me flying towards Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris stops me in mid-air with a right-hook, then judo-throws me towards Jackie Chan.

 

Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan now play an epic game of Ailer tennis for 5 hours...Chuck Norris wins by one point. Jackie Chan leaves the bar to beat up a group of bad-guys back in China.

[SeVeR]

*Jackie Chan goes on a mission to save some sacred ancient artifacts belonging to his "people" because that's what guys from the far east do*

*When he gets to the bad-guy building he finds Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking everyone to death*

 

"What the !@#$%^&* are you doing here Chuck?"

"Oh i come here every couple of weeks to break some spinal cords*

"So you don't know about the sacred ancient artifacts?"

"Whats artifacts? You mean all that oriental crap those guys were protecting?"

"Yes, my artifacts!"

"Oh well it should be ok, you'll find a few ninja stars imbedded in them and you might have to lift a few corpses out of the way but otherwise they're in perfect nick Jackie"

"You !@#$%^&*!"

 

*Jackie summons his tribe of ninjas and Chuck is surrounded*

*Luckily Superman is on hand to lift Chuck out of danger*

*However Superman forgets that ninjas can fly and Chuck is too heavy because of his uranium tipped nunchakus*

*Superman gets kicked in the face multiple times by ninjas but being the man of steel he manages to cling on to Chuck*

*Suddenly out of the blue SeVeR fires a kryptonite bullet through Superman's head and he drops to the ground*

*Chuck realises that he is about to fall 50 feet and uses Superman's limp body as a parachute slowing his descent*

*With ninjas flying everywhere there is nothing left to do except roundhouse kick everyone to death again*

*When there are no ninjas left Chuck grabs Supermans' corpse and melts it into a javelin*

*Chuck throws the javelin at the fleeing SeVeR and pins SeVeR's heel to the ground.

*With SeVeR stuck, Chuck roundhouse kicks him to death and then keeps on roundhouse kicking him until there is nothing left but a pulp-like mixture of bone and flesh.*

*After seeing Superman's elaborate attempt to rescue Chuck, Jackie sees the error in his ways and decides that friendship with the ultimate fighting machine that is CHUCK NORRIS is the best way of staying alive.

[Aileron]

[OOC]I wouldn't say Jackie Chan would have to fear Chuck Norris. Both of them are uber-fighting machines. In fact if they were in a martial bout using a point system, I'd bet on Jackie Chan, though if it were a fight to the knockout I'd bet on Chuck Norris. In a streetfight, it depends, because Jackie Chan knows how to use objects in the environment as weapons, but Chuck Norris probably is smart enough to carry a gun on him and knows how to use it, meaning he won't miss his shots and will be carefull to stand out of Chan's reach. I guess that means I'd bet on Chuck Norris because an Uzi is a more effective weapon than a trashcan lid.[/OOC]

 

*Picks on a poor kid from the projects named Robert and steals his lunch money.*

Robert runs to Chuck Norris, who in turn gives Robert a few pointers.

 

*Attempts to steal Robert's lunch money again*

*Robert does an uber roundhouse kick that knocks me unconcious with one hit*

 

Chuck Norris then throws a rock in the air, sending it around the world three times until it lands squarely on my head, knocking me, erm, double unconious. Robert, with Chuck Norris as his coach, then goes on to win a martial arts compe!@#$%^&*ion.

[SeVeR]

*Eats a donut at a cafeteria somewhere in Tennessee*

*Chuck Norris smashes through the window on a seemingly invisible rope in full commando gear*

 

"You won't look like me if you eat those fat-filled sugar-coated bread products!"

 

*Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks me in the stomach and i throw up all over his commando gear*

 

"If that doesn't wash out i'm coming back to finish you off fat-boy"

"But i weigh less than you do Chuck..."

"You will after i chop you in half"

"Ok sorry Chuck Norris, i love your movies"

 

*A remote control monster truck flies through the wall and Chuck gets in to make his exit*

 

-2 weeks later-

 

*Watching Judge Judy on the telly*

*A ninja star suddenly flies out of the screen and into my eye*

*I die in seconds, my eyeball cut in half*

*Chuck climbs out of the television*

 

"It didn't wash punk"

 

*Chuck throws his uranium tipped nunchakus up the chimney and kills Santa*

[Greased_Lightning]

According to the Laws of Physics, it is impossible for Chuck Norris to build more muscle. Upon realizing this, Chuck Norris swiftly roundhouse kicked every law of physics known to man, as well as those known only by Chuck Norris. He now has the ability to will His muscles to any level of strength He desires at any given time.

 

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

 

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

 

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

 

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

 

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

 

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

 

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

 

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

 

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

 

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

 

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

 

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

[SeVeR]

Chuck Norris drew the Mohammed cartoons just so he'd have a steady stream of terrorists to kill.

 

The USA hasn't invaded Iran yet because Chuck Norris was recently deployed to blow up Iran's Nuclear Operations.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't need to win an oscar, he makes his own trophies out of the bones of his enemies.

[Typhian]

*I order a pepsi twist at the bar*

*chuck norris walks up to me*

 

He is about to kick me

 

*i quickly take a sip of the pepsi twist*

*chuck norris stops and zips off his face*

 

"Im not really chuck norris.... Im barry Manalowe!"

 

(under breath) "sweeet"

 

(still under breath) "now all i have to do is make sure that no one ever drinks this pepsi twist ever again."

 

*i pour the pepsi twist in the dirt outside the bar*

*Barry Manalowe is singing some crappy song in the bar*

*..... Ants start racing toward the spilled pepsi twist at a very fast speed*

*i stomp on as many as i can to prevent them from drinking the pepsi*

*i finally give up because there are so many ants and i simply run as fast as i can from the bar*

*I get really far away and i start slowing down and looking back*

 

WHAMMMMMM BAMMMM THANK YOU MA'AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

*i run directly into chuck norris' bicep and it knocks me out*

(it only knocked me out because chuck norris turned it on gentle massage mode)

 

*I NEVER WAKE UP EVER AGAIN*

*ONLY GOD (and chuck norris)..... (and possibly other bystanders) KNOWS WHAT CHUCK NORRIS DID TO ME IN MY FINNAL MOMENTS.

 

 

dun dun dun

[X`terrania]

[OOC]Why the !@#$%^&* would you bring Jackie Chan into this story? We all know that Steven Segal is the ultimate Chuck Norris.[/OOC]

[Guest sonic 123]

you think you can beat me ha ill !@#$%^&*ing cane you

[Greased_Lightning]

Chuck doesn't have to beat you. He'll erase your existence from all of time.

[Aileron]

*Chuck Norris notices that sonic and greased broke the topic rules and didn't get their !@#$%^&* kicked in the last two posts*

*Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks sonic, sending him flying around the world 12 times.*

*sonic finally lands on greased lightning, breaking every bone in both their bodies*

*Chuck Norris turns around and says "boo!", sending me flying backwards and breaking a bar stool*

[SeVeR]

*An alien invasion fleet is approaching the Earth*

*NASA and the ESA develop a plan to infect the alien mothership's computer using an alien scout ship that crash-landed in the 50's*

*Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum are recruited to pilot the ship into the alien mothership and trasmit the virus*

*Being actors... Will Smith flies the ship into one of the motherships ion cannons just as the aliens are using it to blow up the White House*

*Thankfully they both died quick deaths*

 

*The White House is in ruins and the background music plays a sombre classical piece whilst the camera pans over burnt out cars and gutted buildings*

*GW Bush died in the White House so the emergency government hires none other than the last hope for all man-kind to take control over the countries affairs*

*Chuck Norris immediately begins to bellow out orders using the resonance frequency of his flexing bicep to amplify his voice across the country*

*In no time at all the whole population is scurrying around for little pieces of metal and fashioning them into ninja stars, combat knifes and nunchakus*

*With a whole army of civilians behind him Chuck climbs the biggest skyscraper in the whole of New York*

*It takes Chuck about 10 minutes to climb the building so the army bides time by putting on their ninja outfits and learning to fly*

*Once at the top of the building Chuck flying-round-house-kicks the mothership into the Moon blowing it and the Moon to smithereens*

*Chuck realises that he's just stopped all the tides on the Earth from happening wreaking havoc for the fishing industry*

*WIth one flex of his bicep he orders the entire population for throw their ninja-stars into space to create a new Moon made out of ninja stars*

*The world is safe again from aliens AND GW Bush... well done Chuck.

 

*SeVeR criticises Chucks handling of the situation and decides that he will protest against the lack of peace talks between Chuck and the aliens*

*Chuck orders his nation of ninjas to take me hostage while he sets up a weight machine in front of me*

*I am powerless as Chuck begins pumping iron at a rate so fast that my head explodes*